Expression

        I have always been told that I cannot express things. That I cannot put in words what I feel. That I cannot share it with them. True. In fact, I have hardly shared things with anyone and when I did, it always took the wrong turn. Every single time.

        I don't express myself because I'm scared of what people might think. Yes, of what people around me think. I know I have always portrayed myself as someone who doesn't care of what others think. I show myself as some kind of a rebel questioning the common ideologies of the society. Trying to do something radical every now and then so that people will take me seriously. So that they will look at me as someone who is courageous. And trust me, the radical stuff sometimes come on their own and I realise that they are different only hen someone point it out. I do all this because I want to be like that. I want to be brave. I don't want the judgement of others to cloud my decisions. I don't if showing myself like that, in any way, makes me that, but I do it none the less. Deep inside, I do consider what others think and by others I mean those I consider my family and friends. I do care what they think about me. I do want to be judged well in everyone's eyes'. Under every different points of views. Because I know I am nothing without the people around me. And above all, because I care.

        This is exactly why you cannot find me explicitly expressing myself because I'm scared. I'm scared that they ll think of me as a person with negative views. I'm scared that they will talk behind my back and eventually leave me for the juvenile passing thoughts in my mind which are not completely mine because thoughts that go through your heads are not always yours. They are the sum of what you observe around you and your perception on it. I'm scared that people will judge me solely on what I think and not the circumstances that has made me think that way.

        I've seen it happen to so many others. I have seen people talk behind a person's back because his/her views did not match with the others around that person. I've seen people being hurt , to have been judged by who they are and not considering why they are. When I pointed things which others did not notice, when I asked them to think about that person, I was considered absurd and foolish.

        May be that is one reason, why I like the Shiv Trilogy by Amish more than any other version because it also tells Dakshya's and Bhrigu's circumstances which made them who they are. May be that's why I like The Kite Runner over many other books because it was the story of someone who did not quite share the same views as that of a Moral Science text book. May be that is why I'm drawn towards stories of Asuras and the villains of the epics and myths because I know that no one can be outright bad. They can only be different.

        And may be that is exactly why I started this blog with a pseudonym and do not share with everyone. So that I can express and be judged at the same time and not care about the consequences. So that I can have the privilege of putting in words what goes on in my head and heart without changing anything around me. For expression is a need of which a person cannot be denied by oneself or by others.

- Shreeji

Nostalgia

    Diwali has come and gone but I didn't have the excitement and the fun that I usually did. I didn't want to wake up early, didn't want to burst even a single cracker (which can be considered good and Eco-friendly) and didn't feel like wearing new clothes! Diwali used to be so much better.

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   A few years back when all my neighbors were there, Diwali was all about bursting as many bombs and walas as possible and wearing new clothes. We would wake up as early as possible and burst crackers so that we would be the first in our street to burst them. We never got bored of them. Never! We would burst crackers all morning and collect all the paper around the place, burn it and make it look like some kind of a bonfire and dance around it. Crazy times it were! We would try different tricks every year. One year it was bursting bijili on the wire post. Another year it was lighting the bijili in hand and throwing it in the drainage at the right time so that the waste water will splash on the person right next to it! Disgusting right? But we found it fun and I still do.


   Then we would change to a more traditional clothing and give sweets to everyone. There would be a hidden of competition of who wore the best clothes and the most number of clothes. I know it sounds childish now but then we were children back then. Lunch (or should I say sweets) and then a short nap in the afternoon so that we would be fresh enough for the next round of bursting crackers.

     This was how Diwali used to be. But now things have changed. All my friends are in a different place. Two of my friends did come to my house but it wasn't as much fun. Things have definitely changed! This Diwali all we did was remembering all that we did and hoping for a Diwali with everyone in one place. After all Diwali is the festival of lights and joy and whats is joy without people to enjoy with?

-Shreeji

Har Ek Friend Zaroori Hota Hai..!!!

    Such a nice phrase. But gen X don't understand it. For the past few months I've been going out with a different set of friends every weekend. This weekend I was supposed to go out with my new "college" friends. But mom didn't let me. She was like "I don't understand your concept of friendship! How many friends can a person have? And I don't think they will be with you forever. But the knowledge you gain at this age will help you forever." I, on  the other hand didn't understand any of her questions. I socialize a lot and I want to have fun. I don't care if they 'll be with me till doomsday but I just wanna enjoy as long as it lasts. But for a moment I thought if my mom was right. Was it right to have a huge gang of just friends and no one intimate? A few days later I caught this really good song in an ad for airtel. The song starts like this "chai ke liye jaisa toast hota hai, vaise har ek friend zaroori hota hai" (every friend is important just like we have toast with coffee). Who was I kidding when I thought if it wasn't right to have so many friends? It fits just fine!

     I do accept that teenagers today don't have the "We'll be friends forever" type friends, although we do send everyone texts which says beautiful quotes sometimes boring ones too. I'm sure at least a few really good friend 'll stick with me till the end. But I'm also sure the whole lot won't have contact with me till the end. But who cares! When my mom on the one hand didn't understand the concept of  having a lot of friends, I didn't understand the concept of having just one friend. Isn't there a proverb which goes like this "The More The Merrier"? I have different friends with whom I share different interests with. With some I share the same taste of music, with some I share my secrets, with some I discuss stuff related to studies so on and so forth. We all have a hi-bye friend whom you just see everyday and just greet them but a friend none the less. And if that person throws a party for his or her birthday why shouldn't I go?

    This is the day's trend. The ad has rightly cited today's youth in the best possible way. I'm really addicted to the song! My mom gives me a stare every time I sing that song (which isn't because of my bad voice), but then har ek friend zaroori hota hai yaar! :)

-Shreeji