The Back Bench Band

  Another day of college and I was walking towards the bus stand. I was very late and was hoping to catch a bus as soon as possible and one with a seat in that. Guess I was lucky that day, I got a window seat! As I was enjoying the cool breeze, I was thinking of an excuse for being late that day. Of course, I cannot tell my mom that I went for a treat. Only after sometime did I realise that I was humming the tunes of Mundhinam paarthene from Vaarnam Aayiram along with the radio in the bus.

  We were in the 10th std. when that movie was released. Some might think that movie was awesome and some might think it was bad. I was indifferent about the movie but the memories that are attached to the songs are priceless. A few friends of mine and I used to sing in class, especially math class (No we are not singers not even close). We never listened to class, never bothered to know what they were teaching. One of them used to help me out with the lyrics cause I was always bad with learning by just listening and then we would start. I still remember mimicking the chords and trying to play the drums by hitting the bench which was an epic fail. Of all the songs, Yethi Yethi was a hit!( Not among others but ourselves. Others used hate it because of our highly trained vocal chords) It was because of the lyrics of the song.

  Once, a substitute teacher came to our class and just let us free. As usual, we met up in the last bench (No our class is not huge, we just sat in different places) and started singing. Mundhinam Paarthene, Adiye Kolluthe, Nenjukul Peithidum and of course, Yethi yethi. The teacher thought that we were practicing for some competition and almost wished us good luck. It was then that some of our classmates named us "The Back Bench Band". (If you're one of those critics, I'm sure you're probably thinking that the name doesn't make sense. It should have been last bench band and not back bench band. But come one, it alliterates, it sounds good and we like it!)

  One hell of a time we had doing all that. I miss those days. I wish I could just rewind the time and start all over again. If only that possible.

-Shreeji

I want to escape

   There is still a lot of time before my semester exams are gonna start, but I'm stressing already. I'm worried about my marks and I hate myself for that. Is circumstances making me feel like that or have I turned into one of those geeks. Well I hope it's not the former. My nights.. well, let's just say they are not 8hrs per day and I'm definitely not sleeping because of Facebook. Roaming and hanging out with friends have decreased immensely. All this, but I'm not studying either. I think it's just the stress that is making me do all this.

  I want to escape this hell that I'm living.. Somewhere I can live with no worries, eat ice cream and not worry about falling sick, sit under shade and read a book.  Some place where I can feel the breeze hitting my face and messing up my hair. May be a place where I can fly a kite, swim, and just relax. Take a bike ride without any idea of where I'm headed. Dance in the rain and not care about what people might think. Feel every drop that's touching me. A place where I can do whatever I want without being criticized. Feel like I'm walking on sunshine. Feel like all is gonna be fine. Think about nothing. No Electronic Devices and no books under the same name to learn. No exams to take. No goal to be reached. No commitments. No responsibilities. Nothing. It's just me and the happiness in me.

 

I want be without thinking about what might happen tomorrow, what should be done tomorrow, and how things must go the next week. I'm just done planning my life like it's gonna happen the way I plan. I'm just done making others happy. In all this I feel I have forgotten about myself. I have stopped spending time for myself.


   I don't remember the last time I went on a vacation. I don't remember the last time I went out with friends. I don't remember my best friend's voice. Makes me wonder what I'm working for, what I'm living for. Makes me  wonder a of things. I'm just done thinking and analyzing my life and circuits. I'm just done doing what people ask me to do. I just want to escape.

-Shreeji

Stuck in a Mess!

What am I stuck in!? Seriously! Feels like one huge mess! On one hand, I feel guilty. On the other I feel my stance is absolutely right. And it's the I-don't-open-up-thing all over again! I am like that. Period. I don't know why! It's just how it is. End of story. Something I wrote in reply for a something that went like this: "I don't know if it's already over but I hope it is not. You know I like you most in the class and I still do.The mistake can be on either sides. Both of us are offended. Why not just talk and set things right? I don't know your mindset 'cause you never tell about it. But if you are offended I'm sorry and I meant every word."

I don't know what to say;
I just forget things right away.
There are things I wish never happened.
There are also stuff I wish I told.
I know I don't open up,
But it's just because I suck at it;
And sometimes I don't want to open up,
For reasons which words can't say.
I know I'm one complicated person,
I know it's tough when one gets close to me,
But somehow, I don't mind being that way.
The reason - I don't know how to say.
There are so many things I want you to know,
I don't know the right way, so I keep them low.
There was this huge rush of thoughts the other evening,
And then, just an empty mind.
All I know is that I'm exhausted-
To think, to talk, to analyse.
May be some day when I feel better,
May be some day when I'm stronger,
May be some day...

-Shreeji

Principles

(If you don't know me, there is no point in reading it. Those who do know me, well, I have nothing to say.)

I have a few principles in my life and I stick to it. Like big time!
1) I stick to my word. When I tell someone I'll do it, then I'll do it. I don't believe that the word promise must be used for a person to stick to their word 'cause I haven't used it till date but I have stuck to what I have said.
2) I don't lie. That doesn't mean I'll tell the truth, but I won't lie.
3) I don't comment on others, be it good or bad. I don't gossip, and I never will.
It just pisses me so much when I'm in a position to break one of them.

Recently, I had an argument with two of my classmates one of whom I considered as my friend before. And if anyone of you is reading it, I'm sure you'll guess it wrong. I fell into the argument because they wanted to make last minute changes and I was against it because it involved another human being even though I'm not very fond of that person. All I wanted to do was do no more changes to it. The classmate wanted to change - expected, but my former-thought-to-be-a-friend did, I was surprised.

What is wrong with people? Why are they so self-centered to see nothing beyond themselves? I'm not that great a person who does good deeds and all, but I would never do something like that. And when you vouch for something other than yourself, all that happens is that you get screwed. And now, the whole class is against me. Apparently, they heard a more manipulated version of it. Expect for the "I won't make any last minute changes part" they thought it was the "I'm not gonna let you take out the I'm-not-fond-of-human-being".

And now, all of sudden I have no one to share what I feel. It's just me and this keyboard which can only give words and not expression. Just this page in front of me which can provide me enough space to vent out all my feelings, but not a word in return to comfort me.

Now, I don't know if what I did was right. They say that people around you are the way you are to them. So does that mean I'm as selfish as they are? Does that mean I'm that narrow-minded as they are? I don't know anymore.

-Shreeji

Lost in Thoughts

I log in my facebook account. No notifications.
I check for mail. None.
I open my twitter account to tweet. Nothing strikes my head.
I check my blog stats. No change.
I open another tab to study about 'Smart Materials' but I simply cannot concentrate in them.
Something is missing in my life. But what is it?

What am I doing with my life?
Where am I headed?
Why am I wasting so much time?
Why am I becoming an Insomniac?
What is it that I want and what is it that I got?
Why am I even asking so many questions?

I seem to be jobless.
I seem to be useless.
I seem to lack talent.
I seem to be nothing.

I have nothing to look forward to.
I have nothing to relish.

I don't make use of what I've got.
I don't make sure I get what I want.

In this world, I just wander.
Wander with no thoughts, no ideas, no innovations
But with a mind that is empty and a heart that is dark.

There is a never ending path with
No trees and No shade
No breeze and No lake
No pain and No gain

It's just me and my empty self.
Relating my life to that song which I found depressing.

Going through facebook profiles of long lost friends
Wishing life can be rewound
Wishing I didn't do what I did
Wishing things went differently.

In this life, I seem to be able to only wish
And wish and just wish.

Everything seems impossible.
Everything seems unattainable.

-Shreeji