Broken things

Have you ever seen something break? No, I'm not talking about seeing an object intact and then the broken pieces. Have you seen it break? When, say a vase, is knocked off the table, have you noticed the moment it starts falling, unaware of it's fate? The quick fall followed by the moment when it touches the ground and realizes it's too late. The first sign of the cracks which quickly spreads and before you know it, right before you're eyes, it's in pieces.You could have done nothing. Or is it possible that you could have caught it mid air? Or put your palms on the floor right where it was going to fall to decrease the impact on it, thereby hurting your palms? It was all so slow, in hyper definition and all so fast at the same time. Its life has ended even before you realized that it was falling.

There is a word in Japanese - Kintsukuroi which means to repair with gold. It is the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that piece is more beautiful for having been broken. Did you notice that the pieces are repaired with gold or silver which stand at Rs 3000/- and Rs 38/- per gram respectively? And if you type kintsukuroi in google, it only shows images of pottery mended with gold and hardly any with silver (I found none). Why does it take something so costly, not easily available to make the broken vase beautiful? Why can't I just put it together with Feviquik (super glue) and expect everyone to consider it beautiful? I can also paint over it, have a nice mural of some kind. But wait, that might mean I want to hide that it's broken. How many of us can afford gold? Not to forget all the instruments to mend the pot. Many of us will just replace the pot with a better one and for some of us, to whom the vase was special, we will sweep every piece of it from the floor, carefully cover it with paper and hide it in some corner of the loft hoping that someday, it will see daylight when things are better. Until then, all that's left are the memories, the stories that we will tell our guests when they spot the empty space and ask why there is nothing there. We'll say how it stayed with us for so many years, all the times it was almost broken and the last time it did; Only to see a day when we spot another one in the showroom and buy it. But will we have the heart to place the new vase in the same place or will we make some new place for this one?

Stage Fear.

I have done much worse. It simply cannot get worse. 

You have no idea. 

It cannot. It's okay, what's the worst that can happen? I forget a few sentences, jumble up words. It's not like I am going to go dumb. 

You're addressing the leaders today. You have never done this before. 

So? They are still people. And this is simply MC anyway. I can do it. I know. They picked me because they thought I was good enough. 

And you are you going to disappoint them all. Show them they have made a wrong choice. 

Shut up. They are settling down. I'll have my cue soon.

*Frantically goes through the lines to say*

"Good Evening everyone."

Shit. What was that sentence again?

*Small peak into the tiny paper crumbled in hand*

You weren't supposed to look and read.

I know.

*Manage to say a few words after a lot of stumbling*

Did they just notice how nervous I am? Was that look supposed to mean that?
Yes.

Oh my God. That's the General Manager of *Department*. The guy everyone looks up to. Did he just look at me like that?
Yes, he did.

You're not helping.

I am simply answering your questions.

*Try to disappear to the Sidelines*

What was I thinking? These are Global Leaders. Years of experience. All in one hall. What am I doing here? How did I get here? 

Luck. 

I am literally bringing down the IQ of this hall by my mere presence. What was I even thinking saying yes to this? Argh. These are people I will probably never ever get to meet. They are here, listening to me and I am screwing it up. 

Told you. You should have prepared better. 

You didn't tell me that and I know. I did prepare well. Well enough. I think. 

Clearly, it wasn't enough. 

It's okay, I'll do it better in the next half. 

*Tries to listen to the speaker*

Did he just say “cool guy”? Okay, so why did they make a huge fuss about all the words I had picked for the MC? These people read too much into the words. Thank god they aren’t here to see how badly I screwed up.

It went just like your first speech 6 years back.
I didn’t have to be reminded of that.
Remember how you repeated the same sentence over and over again for 5 minutes because you forgot all your other points?
I didn’t exactly repeat the same sentence. They were simply different angles to the topic. It was supposed to go like that.
Yeah, right. Keep telling yourself that.
Moreover, that was 6 years back in front of all my classmates. Look at how far I have come. I have done a lot more than I would have imagined. I have come a really long way. Yes, there is a longer way to go but I did MC that big event in college last time.
It was in front of your juniors.
So? They videotaped it to be uploaded on YouTube! That’s huge. And I still did not mess it up.
*The speaker ends his speech*
That’s your cue.
Shit. I was supposed to go through the lines before I go to the stage. You distracted me.
I didn’t do anything.
*Speak a lot without stammering*
Hey! That wasn’t so bad.
*Speak some more.*
Okay, I am getting the hang of this.
*Mess up the order of names.*
Shit, that wasn’t the order.
*Mispronounces the names*

Oh my God. Who has names like that?
You should have gone through the names before. You haven’t prepared well enough.
Shit. I am done for.
When will this get over? I want to disappear from this place.
A little too late, don’t you think?

I don’t ever want to meet any of them ever again. Ever. God. How can someone screw up so badly?

Too bad. You have got leaders from all the Functions. Plus almost everyone from HR. Independent of where you go, they will remember you as the girl who messed up the MC that day.

Oh please, that’s just exaggeration.
You don’t think so?
I’m going to eat a Brownie with Ice cream and hide in my room.
You can’t hide forever. You’ll probably meet them tomorrow.
I will be sick tomorrow.

-Shreeji

Of late night rides and the light

It is 11 in the night and you're riding pillion on a pulsar. You don't have to worry if there is another vehicle trying to over take or if you're over speeding. You just gaze around. You're not reading any of the boards like you usually do. You're not trying to remember the road you passed through or the umpteen number of shops that are present. But you look around and notice something you can;t put your finger on. There aren't too many lights to spoil your vision. It's just the road and the age old street lights creating shades of amber on the road. The road is wet from the rain but not too wet for it to be slippery. The air is clean. You want to take it all in. You want to pack some of this and take it home because you don't know when you'll experience this again. You're on Kotturpuram road now and you notice for the first time that the entire stretch is covered with trees. You wonder why it is so hot during the day despite the trees. The rider is not too tall to hide your face and you can feel the air hitting your face. No, the air isn't gently caressing your face or ruffling your hair. It is ripping it from your head. You're going at a speed that disfigures your face a little. But there''s beauty in it. You're enjoying it. May be that's how flying feels like. You feel free for the first time. Yes, free. No fancy word there. Free.

- Shreeji

The fall

You have tainted my hands with your touch. I wish I never let you hold them like that when I was low. I vaguely remember trying to take my hands back but I vividly remember you holding it stronger. And I hate to say, but I liked it. Hell, I loved it. I was falling for you. Deeper. I thought I was falling with you. I always wanted to experience free fall. The adrenaline rush. The feeling of not having to control the fall and still enjoying it. Not having to control everything all the time. Like my life. I didn't think of the after effects. I didn't think there would be a ground at the bottom of it all. I thought I would keep falling, deeper and deeper. I was getting addicted to that feeling. I am addicted to that feeling. I don't know if I miss falling thinking I was falling with you or the feeling of just falling. I am too scared to fall again. What if there is a ground at the bottom of the fall? What if there is ground lower than the one last time? It would hurt much more. What if I once again find that the person I was falling with is missing when I try to get up. And worse, what if I find no one at all?

I see you have fallen again. I wish it was me falling with you this time as well. But it's alright. I am getting used to it. I hope you never find a ground this time. Finding a ground is nice. Gives you a firm foothold. Lets you control outcome. But not when you have already chosen the fall. I wish I hadn't chosen to fall. But I am happy it happened too. Yes, the wounds hurt. My hands got the worst of it. There are wounds all over. I don't know if I will be able to feel another person holding my hands anymore. But I hope I will. I hope I will find someone to hold them and never let go of them. And perhaps then, my wounds would have healed. And perhaps then, the scars will remind me not of the ground but of the fall.

-Shreeji

Unsaid words and broken promises

"But how can I be sure?" he asked looking out through the window. "Do you not trust me?" she asked him with a longing in her voice. 'Trust', the word echoed in her mind, She could still hear his voice saying, 'Trust is what you need in a relationship' and yet here she was having yet another quarrel with the man she thought she loved.

Silence filled the space between them and all she could hear was the rain outside which came cruel and hard, flooding the streets. She couldn't find anything beautiful in it anymore. The silence was suffocating her. She wanted to leave the place but she couldn't; not with the rain outside. She was tired of all the fighting. She didn't have it in her to fight the rain as well.

It had been three years since the last time she saw him. He was at the mandapam with a wide smile, trying his best to control the veshti he had worn. She had never seen him happier before. Not when his girlfriend accepted his proposal , not when he got the job he wanted and graduated with the rest of us, not when he got admission in the university he dreamed of and not when his girlfriend's parents accepted their union. He was eagerly looking at the stairs trying to hide his excitement so that his friends wouldn't make fun of him. He had absolutely no interest or involvement in the mantras he was repeating after the iyer. And when the iyer said "Ponna azhaichutu vango" his face lit brighter than the sun. He looked at the stairs, saw her and immediately turned towards the fire so that no one would notice his eagerness. But she did. When everyone else was looking at the bride, she saw him She knew the how much he loves her. She knew. If only she didn't, she would have told, but it was too late for all that now. That was the last time she met him. A hug, a will-miss-you and a keep in touch is all that she got. But she knew that as well. She knew there would come a day when both would  be too busy to have time for each other. Yet she wasn't ready when that day came. She would never be.

"You need nothing but trust in a relationship" he had told her while she was aimlessly gazing at the rain. It had been a beautiful evening and the weather was just perfect. They had an exam the next day and they were supposed to be studying, but not that day. She just wanted to sit there and take every second of the moment and listen to all that he had to share. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and was sharing his 'expertise' on the subject. She didn't need to know anything about relationships for she knew that everything would be alright for as long as he was around. She trusted him enough.

He was encouraging her to ask a guy out. If only he knew that she wanted to ask him out and not that junior with the charming smile. 'You don't need anything else.... It's just trust'. She wanted to tell him at that moment how much he meant to her but words failed her. She couldn't muster the courage, not a word, not a sound, not even a nod of confirmation. All she could do was listen and listen, she did, for the rest of her life.

Life after college was easier than she had imagined for the distance increased and the listening reduced. They didn't drift apart like all their other friends. A phone call once a month or if she was lucky, another call the same month. They made sure they took time for each other. She would listen to all his stories. He had promised to be there for her and he kept that promise. She always had his shoulders to cry on. She wondered if it would have been easier if he had broken his promise. It was all good until he told her he was in love again. And that this time, it was for real.

She told him how happy she was for him and all the things any friend would say. She tried to mean everything she said and in vain. He was too happy to notice that she didn't mean it. She couldn't recollect what happened after that. All that she could remember was work was becoming difficult, pressure from her family was mounting, all her girlfriends had married, some even had kids and before she could even think about marriage, there she was, draped in silk saree, adorned with all the jewels her parents could afford, and a getti melam to make it official.

"You got hitched before I did and I am the guy in love!", he said at her wedding. "Well, at least you found a nice guy and I am sure you both will hit it off well together.", said his girlfriend mocking at him.

She was thinking how different things would have been if she had told him. Would it have been better or worse? Was worse better than not having said at all? She wondered all the possibilities. And wonder, was all she could.

-Shreeji

An Internship to Remember

Around the same time last year, my summer internship was ending and we were all getting ready to go back to college. While most of us were saying teary eyed goodbyes, giving assurances of keeping in touch, I was an indifferent onlooker. Indifferent to a summer well-spent. Indifferent of all the bonds we forged. Indifferent of the fact that we'll never get to do that ever again. But as I sit here, in the same office a year later, looking at this set of interns; I miss all of it.

I miss the first day - the nervous smiles, eager introductions, confident greetings followed by the sleepy orientation. We didn't need an ice breaker. All we required was one question and that one question brought out a plethora of life (read: love) experiences - short & long, of present & past and those that were surprising and predictable. Stories of languish yearning and hysterically mushy feelings. I miss the endless hours I spent in the corner cabin playing chain reaction and the complicated analysis of absolutely useless things. The corner cabin that witnessed a competitive argument. The corner cabin which is no more present. I miss the punctual cafeteria calls with tardy returns, the minesweeper I played during them and the aimless chain reaction games. I miss the pre-lunch break, lunch break, post-lunch-outside-canteen break and the post-lunch-pre-work-lawn-break (which a certain someone would always sleep through). I miss the tiny fight over the review slots, the cross-check of the messy draft and making fun of the idiot who was worried just cause he wasn't asked any questions. I miss the long drives that were part of our temporary routine which started with off-key chorus of Oh Susanna and ended with the same.

So why is it that I am writing about this almost a year later, trying to fit pieces of a jigsaw puzzle with some faded memories and some glaringly vivid ones? It is only when I am looking at the current interns and notice how awfully boring they are do I realize that I am never going to meet a batch like us. 'Work' with a set at least similar to us. Independent of all that we liked and hated about each other; Independent of how close or far we were from each other; Independent of whether you liked me or not, I miss you all. It is because of this that I am writing about all the things I can recollect with an annoying repetition of the 'word' before they fade into obscurity.

So here's to all the fun we had. To 'What's your story?', Preethi, Sahana, Subiksha, the Hanuman Temple, the Bangalore girlfriend, the one who gifted the watch, the Sivakasi relationship, the Mallu boyfriend and all the crushes in between (And of course, Banu, Thanuja, Janani, Shwetha and Sonia). The Anaikatti trip, truth or dare, the endless questions to the innocent, Music discussion. To the Marudamalai trip, Paneer Butter Masala, Tomota/Onion Sabji and Beer. (Oh, not to forget the curious case of hiccups and Chola Bar) Here's to the best Environment day possible - the colour coded clothes, painting competition, Ad-zap, Posters and the short film I regret not being a part of. The embarrassing stories of football matches, Bangalore days and stories as far back as 9th std. Here's to friends, siblings, LKG buddies (which doesn't change the fact that they were indeed annoying) among other things. All the things we learnt about EHS concerns, Kaizens, Dashboards, flowcharts, Yamazumi Charts, the famous Pivot table and the infamous Look-up table. The Innumerous places we hung out at - Calcutta chaat, V's, Mithai Mandir, Guptaji's, That's Y Food, Moti Mahal treat, Subway, Pizza Hut, Dominos, BBQ Nation, Annapoorna, My Place, Hot Chocolate, Delhiwala, Brooke Fields. Here's to the lazying around at Arun's Place; getting lost finding it and the hurry to leave. The unheard swears the house had to listen and the tall buildings my house could withstand. The post internship treats (not) at Liquidzz, Dominos, Cascade, Grains of Salt, Boomerang and perhaps more I don't remember. Here's to a competition without competitors. Here's to the summer of my life - the Summer Internship of 2014.

-Shreeji

That evening

She was draping that 6m something long cloth around her all the while cursing the person who thought it would be nice if all the girls wore saree for the function. That was when she remembered, "You look pretty in a saree" he had said looking at that picture on her phone. She was too dumb-founded that night to say anything at all.

She was annoyed that night. Was it because she did not find company among the 10 friends she had gone on the trip or was it because everyone was in a relationship and she wasn't? She couldn't exactly remember. That time had been the toughest for her. It was the time when all around her girls were hanging out with their 'boyfriends'. She never wanted a boyfriend; she considered it a distraction but it was tough for her. Tough to keep her head on the goal, tough to stay single, tough to keep up with everyone.

       It was late that night but she wasn't sleepy. She had wanted to have her share of fun. She wanted night well spent. She didn't want to go back to her room. She was accommodated in a simple and a clean room with enough ventilation but she felt like the four walls were closing in on her. She felt that they were inching towards her slowly so that she wouldn't notice, but she did notice. She had the freedom to take a walk in the middle of the night and so she did. A mild breeze blew her hair. That was an assurance that everything is going to be alright.

When she reached the end of the road, she saw him sitting on a parapet wall with his netbook. She was too relieved to notice that he was probably concentrating on whatever he did or that she had not bothered to ask if she was disturbing. She was just plain glad to have company. Without a second thought she started talking. Complaining about everything she had to complain about starting from that evening to common friends of theirs. So close that no one would dare speak about all that in their first conversation but she did. She felt something of an untold faith in him something that told her it was okay to tell him things she didn't say anyone else. She didn't stop unless he had something to say.

He retaliated the faith that she had in him. He spoke about his past, his present, his experiences and everything he could think about. She was happy he had told her all this. It meant a lot to her. It also meant that she wasn't boring him or that is what she liked to think. He also told that girls should have an aim, should make something for themselves in their life. She had almost blushed. It had been a long time since anyone told her that. She had almost forgotten her dream. She had almost given up fighting and it felt good to hear that. It was that extra boost she had searched for, for months now. She felt different then. She had found one person who would support and that was all she needed.

They went for a walk around the campus. They spoke about the places near by, on the full form of places and stuff. He knew so much and she, so little. She felt a little embarrassed and changed the subject.

Even before she realised, the place around her was getting bright. She hadn't noticed the sun rise. She wanted to remember how he looked for she didn't know when they will get to meet next, if at all there is a chance. But they were walking too close. She noticed his eyes. They were brown, a slightly lighter brown. She had told herself that, that was all she needed but she was wrong.

That night had long gone now and it was nothing but a memory. She wished she had noticed more. She wished that life were a movie, for every move is recorded for a lifetime.  All that she remembered were his eyes and fragments of the night that was.

She was hoping to meet him once again but she kept telling herself that it was a one-time-thing only. She started wondering what he had thought about that night and how things will go if they meet again.

-Shreeji

Break a Leg!

      All of us watch and enjoy movies. We watch them in theatres. We download copied and pirated versions and watch them. And the rest of the unfortunates watch it on TV along with the 10 min ad for every 10 min of the movie. But hardly anyone watches drama these days. Yes, live drama.

      The first time I went to the theatre to watch a drama was last week and I am glad that I did. It was a completely different experience. I felt like a kid watching a magic show for the first time. The play that I went for was Romeo and Juliet - No string attached. It was nothing like Romeo and Juliet and nothing like No string attached either. It was a story about four puppets who become free and decide to enact a play the way they want it and not the way the puppeteers want. It wasn't the story which I liked for it was like any other bollywood masala movie. It was rather the way they told us the story that has left me in awe. It was amazing to watch actors change their characters with just a hat or an apron. To watch the lights dim just at the right moment to show whether it a drama within a drama or just the drama. To watch the stringeri (one of the character's name) play and sing songs to accompany their dialogues. To listen to songs at a concert was one thing but to listen to songs tell a story was a completely new experience. It was surprising to see how much we can do with the just a few things. They almost enacted all the characters of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet with just four actors. There was no change in the background but you could realize the change none the less. And to know that there are no retakes made it even better.

      I wish I had started watching them long before but I'm also glad that I watched one at least now. But rest assured, when there is a show in town next time, I'm definitely not missing it!

-Shreeji

Expression

        I have always been told that I cannot express things. That I cannot put in words what I feel. That I cannot share it with them. True. In fact, I have hardly shared things with anyone and when I did, it always took the wrong turn. Every single time.

        I don't express myself because I'm scared of what people might think. Yes, of what people around me think. I know I have always portrayed myself as someone who doesn't care of what others think. I show myself as some kind of a rebel questioning the common ideologies of the society. Trying to do something radical every now and then so that people will take me seriously. So that they will look at me as someone who is courageous. And trust me, the radical stuff sometimes come on their own and I realise that they are different only hen someone point it out. I do all this because I want to be like that. I want to be brave. I don't want the judgement of others to cloud my decisions. I don't if showing myself like that, in any way, makes me that, but I do it none the less. Deep inside, I do consider what others think and by others I mean those I consider my family and friends. I do care what they think about me. I do want to be judged well in everyone's eyes'. Under every different points of views. Because I know I am nothing without the people around me. And above all, because I care.

        This is exactly why you cannot find me explicitly expressing myself because I'm scared. I'm scared that they ll think of me as a person with negative views. I'm scared that they will talk behind my back and eventually leave me for the juvenile passing thoughts in my mind which are not completely mine because thoughts that go through your heads are not always yours. They are the sum of what you observe around you and your perception on it. I'm scared that people will judge me solely on what I think and not the circumstances that has made me think that way.

        I've seen it happen to so many others. I have seen people talk behind a person's back because his/her views did not match with the others around that person. I've seen people being hurt , to have been judged by who they are and not considering why they are. When I pointed things which others did not notice, when I asked them to think about that person, I was considered absurd and foolish.

        May be that is one reason, why I like the Shiv Trilogy by Amish more than any other version because it also tells Dakshya's and Bhrigu's circumstances which made them who they are. May be that's why I like The Kite Runner over many other books because it was the story of someone who did not quite share the same views as that of a Moral Science text book. May be that is why I'm drawn towards stories of Asuras and the villains of the epics and myths because I know that no one can be outright bad. They can only be different.

        And may be that is exactly why I started this blog with a pseudonym and do not share with everyone. So that I can express and be judged at the same time and not care about the consequences. So that I can have the privilege of putting in words what goes on in my head and heart without changing anything around me. For expression is a need of which a person cannot be denied by oneself or by others.

- Shreeji

Dosai!

Who would have ever thought that Idly batter gone bad can be turned to truly delicious food? The folded crispy Dosai with a chutney or a sambhar is complete bliss. I would describe a perfect dosai to be the one which has a lot of crispy and brittle outer region and not too thick a center. The best part of Dosai is that anything with it makes a perfect combination, be it chutney, sambhar, vadai curry, or any almost any type of curry. I love it so much that I often eat it without dipping it in any side dish.

One thing I absolutely hate is that some people call it Dosa. It is a Dosai  with an 'i' at the end! You can also call it a Dos-I but definitely not Dos-Ah. Some people also call it Roast. Roast is a name that englishmen gave it. They probably thought it's like their Toast but a Toast is not even close to a Dosai.

I'm sure people think Dosai originated from Idly. The rumour is that there was a lot of unused Idly batter and some intelligent cook found a way to put it to use. Even this article starts like that! But the fact is that, it was Idly which originated from Dosai. Tamil Sangam Literature in the sixth century AD mentions Dosai but not the Idly which only appears in the Kanada literature four centuries later. The Manasollasa written in the twelfth century AD in Sanskrit mentions the dhosaka for which only pulses were used. It has travelled to all the neighbouring countries of India being called by the name Thosai, Thoshay and the like. Today, it is one of the world's 50 most delicious dish according to CNN (between buttered popcorn and potato chips)

Though Dosai typically refers to the roasted plain batter there are many variations and it is constantly being experimented with Western dishes. Some of the famous versions are Masala Dosai, Onion Dosai, Ghee Dosai, Ada Dosai, Set Dosai, and the list goes on for more than a 100 different types! A few of which are really good in our own canteen! The Masala Dosai and the Ghee Dosai is just amazing in the F Block canteen. The Ghee Dosai in the IM Canteen is equally good (cause that's the only Dosai I ate there). 

Oru Devathai - A Review

It starts with a usual chorus with a bunch of girls singing the much clichéd tune. Well, nothing different in that now, is there? When you almost come to the conclusion that there is nothing new in that song, comes the violin background, followed by a simple tabla beat and then it goes Oru Devathai...

The first thing that caught my attention was his singing. Roop Kumar Rathod has done justice to the song. Although, he is from Bollywood, he has given the right stresses at the right places. When he sings ‘Oh’ and goes with it, that is all you need, you’ll get addicted to it. When you listen to him sing ‘nerathil’ in the second stanza all you’ll want do is to listen to him for the rest of your lives. The high notes that he reaches are just flawless. Especially when he is about to finish it off, that was the icing it needed. He has given his soul to the song.

Muthukumar has penned great lyrics for the tune. ‘Kaalgal irandum tharaiyil irunthum vaanil parakiren’ - Even though my two feet were on the ground, I was flying in the sky. I mean, to put something like that in words, it was just B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. ‘Vazhigal therinthum tholainthu pogiren’ – Despite knowing the way, I kept getting lost. Paarkathey endraalum kekathey – I kept telling myself not to look at her but my heart wouldn’t listen. Marana nerathil un madiyin orathil idamum kidaithal iranthum vazhuven – If I get a place on your lap when I am about I would die and live that way. May be it doesn’t sound all that great in English but then anyone with even a little knowledge of Tamil would understand the depth in that sentence. It’s all simple, yet the meaning and the feel that is conveyed is just magnificent.

It is indeed one of Yuvan’s masterpieces. The tabla throughout the song with a little of paino makes it very soothing to listen. Of course, the violin refrain leaves you humming that tune the rest of the day much to the annoyance of your classmates. You might think that the tune is not all that interesting but that is what makes it great. That lyrics needed a simple music and Yuvan gave that.

Bottom line, it’s an amazing song!

Just A Dream

     I was walking in the corridor, twisting my scooter key in my hand. I saw him at a distance, he looked surprised. He turned his back immediately. I didn’t bother. I went to get my scooter which was right beside him.  I take my scooter and turn only to see him seeing me with a greeting smile. He said “Hey! Long time no see.” I was surprised, for all along, he had all but ignored me. I didn’t know what to say. He asked the usual how are you-hows college. I answered not knowing what to talk. He offered me to accompany me till the gate. I was just excited, something I have always wanted. I didn’t bother to think why or how, I just right on said “Sure”.

     I took out my two wheeler and pushed it. He walked beside me, talking. We talked and talked. Sense and nonsense but it didn't matter. The usually heavy vehicle seemed a lot lighter. The corridor didn't seem to have an end. I didn't bother to know where I was going. I just listened to him, spoke to him, told him everything I wanted to tell him for a very long time.

     Suddenly there was a lot of commotion. There were people running everywhere. Someone came and told us that our sisters where stuck somewhere and that we had to go find them. We rush in the direction opposite to where people were running to. He held my hand in his and started running. It came out as a surprise but I didn't say anything. I followed him to a place which looked the lounge of a hotel. He went to the receptionist and asked something. She pointed her hand to a direction and I was about to run towards that place. But he pulled my hand, put his arms around me, and caressed me. My eyes were closed but I could see him better. When I opened my eyes, I could only see the blue bed sheet which didn't cover my feet. It had just been a dream all along. If only it was true...

-Shreeji

How to get a Bus Pass?

I wanted to write about this almost a year ago just so I'll know where to look if I wanted the procedure. But I got too lazy to put it down. The process is itself exhausted me and I didn't want to go though the whole thing by writing about it. But now when I'm applying for it again, I didn't know where to start, how to start and when to start. So here it is, the procedure to apply for a Student's Bus Pass in the city of Coimbatore at Gandhipuram.

Let me warn you about something, this in one lengthy procedure. And if you tell me that you got it done by skipping a few steps then I'm happy for you, for you need to be lucky to get it that way. For the rest of us, I'm sorry to say, it is the following steps:

1) Get a Certificate of Bonafide from your College. Most of the colleges have a separate type of Bonafide just for Bus passes, the colleges which do not have their own college buses. And also have a photocopy of your Ration Card/ College ID card if it carries your house address, as an address proof. (Get this done by 3rd of the month)

2) You need the above two proofs to 'get the bus pass form'. Yes, you need them to get a form which I'm sure is hardly worth over a rupee. This form is generally called the 'Grey form' simply because it is grey in colour. Oh yeah, by the way, the form will cost you five rupees. (By the 4th)

3) Fill this form, stick a passport size photo and get it attested from your college principal or whoever is responsible for signing such stuff. This will usually take a while. (By the 6th)

4) After getting this attested, you need to go to the main bus stand, stand is a huge queue along with the bonafide certificate, address proof and the grey form just to discover that they are simply collecting it. Now, if you're a girl you need to stand only for one evening and if you're a guy and an unlucky one in that, you may have to stand for a couple of evenings to get it done. (By the 9th)

5) They'll probably tell you when you ll get the Bus Pass ID card which is commonly known as the White card (even if sometimes it is yellow in colour) and you need to get back with them on that day. And if they don't you need to check with then every single day. (By the 12th)

6) Once you get the White card, you need stick a stamp size photo and get it attested in your college. (By the 13th)

7) With this White card, you must go to the main stand, stand in the queue for a couple of hours, pay the amount printed in the white card and get your pass. This last step, you will have to repeat every month before the 15th of that month.

I know it is one huge, never-ending procedure. But then when we come to the whole reason as to why we get a pass, it is worth it. I mean. I save almost Rs500 every month just because of the Pass. So my advice would be, don't try to skip any step for it may only lead to delay the end result.

Good luck with getting your Bus Pass!

 

The Back Bench Band

  Another day of college and I was walking towards the bus stand. I was very late and was hoping to catch a bus as soon as possible and one with a seat in that. Guess I was lucky that day, I got a window seat! As I was enjoying the cool breeze, I was thinking of an excuse for being late that day. Of course, I cannot tell my mom that I went for a treat. Only after sometime did I realise that I was humming the tunes of Mundhinam paarthene from Vaarnam Aayiram along with the radio in the bus.

  We were in the 10th std. when that movie was released. Some might think that movie was awesome and some might think it was bad. I was indifferent about the movie but the memories that are attached to the songs are priceless. A few friends of mine and I used to sing in class, especially math class (No we are not singers not even close). We never listened to class, never bothered to know what they were teaching. One of them used to help me out with the lyrics cause I was always bad with learning by just listening and then we would start. I still remember mimicking the chords and trying to play the drums by hitting the bench which was an epic fail. Of all the songs, Yethi Yethi was a hit!( Not among others but ourselves. Others used hate it because of our highly trained vocal chords) It was because of the lyrics of the song.

  Once, a substitute teacher came to our class and just let us free. As usual, we met up in the last bench (No our class is not huge, we just sat in different places) and started singing. Mundhinam Paarthene, Adiye Kolluthe, Nenjukul Peithidum and of course, Yethi yethi. The teacher thought that we were practicing for some competition and almost wished us good luck. It was then that some of our classmates named us "The Back Bench Band". (If you're one of those critics, I'm sure you're probably thinking that the name doesn't make sense. It should have been last bench band and not back bench band. But come one, it alliterates, it sounds good and we like it!)

  One hell of a time we had doing all that. I miss those days. I wish I could just rewind the time and start all over again. If only that possible.

-Shreeji

I want to escape

   There is still a lot of time before my semester exams are gonna start, but I'm stressing already. I'm worried about my marks and I hate myself for that. Is circumstances making me feel like that or have I turned into one of those geeks. Well I hope it's not the former. My nights.. well, let's just say they are not 8hrs per day and I'm definitely not sleeping because of Facebook. Roaming and hanging out with friends have decreased immensely. All this, but I'm not studying either. I think it's just the stress that is making me do all this.

  I want to escape this hell that I'm living.. Somewhere I can live with no worries, eat ice cream and not worry about falling sick, sit under shade and read a book.  Some place where I can feel the breeze hitting my face and messing up my hair. May be a place where I can fly a kite, swim, and just relax. Take a bike ride without any idea of where I'm headed. Dance in the rain and not care about what people might think. Feel every drop that's touching me. A place where I can do whatever I want without being criticized. Feel like I'm walking on sunshine. Feel like all is gonna be fine. Think about nothing. No Electronic Devices and no books under the same name to learn. No exams to take. No goal to be reached. No commitments. No responsibilities. Nothing. It's just me and the happiness in me.

 

I want be without thinking about what might happen tomorrow, what should be done tomorrow, and how things must go the next week. I'm just done planning my life like it's gonna happen the way I plan. I'm just done making others happy. In all this I feel I have forgotten about myself. I have stopped spending time for myself.


   I don't remember the last time I went on a vacation. I don't remember the last time I went out with friends. I don't remember my best friend's voice. Makes me wonder what I'm working for, what I'm living for. Makes me  wonder a of things. I'm just done thinking and analyzing my life and circuits. I'm just done doing what people ask me to do. I just want to escape.

-Shreeji

Stuck in a Mess!

What am I stuck in!? Seriously! Feels like one huge mess! On one hand, I feel guilty. On the other I feel my stance is absolutely right. And it's the I-don't-open-up-thing all over again! I am like that. Period. I don't know why! It's just how it is. End of story. Something I wrote in reply for a something that went like this: "I don't know if it's already over but I hope it is not. You know I like you most in the class and I still do.The mistake can be on either sides. Both of us are offended. Why not just talk and set things right? I don't know your mindset 'cause you never tell about it. But if you are offended I'm sorry and I meant every word."

I don't know what to say;
I just forget things right away.
There are things I wish never happened.
There are also stuff I wish I told.
I know I don't open up,
But it's just because I suck at it;
And sometimes I don't want to open up,
For reasons which words can't say.
I know I'm one complicated person,
I know it's tough when one gets close to me,
But somehow, I don't mind being that way.
The reason - I don't know how to say.
There are so many things I want you to know,
I don't know the right way, so I keep them low.
There was this huge rush of thoughts the other evening,
And then, just an empty mind.
All I know is that I'm exhausted-
To think, to talk, to analyse.
May be some day when I feel better,
May be some day when I'm stronger,
May be some day...

-Shreeji

Principles

(If you don't know me, there is no point in reading it. Those who do know me, well, I have nothing to say.)

I have a few principles in my life and I stick to it. Like big time!
1) I stick to my word. When I tell someone I'll do it, then I'll do it. I don't believe that the word promise must be used for a person to stick to their word 'cause I haven't used it till date but I have stuck to what I have said.
2) I don't lie. That doesn't mean I'll tell the truth, but I won't lie.
3) I don't comment on others, be it good or bad. I don't gossip, and I never will.
It just pisses me so much when I'm in a position to break one of them.

Recently, I had an argument with two of my classmates one of whom I considered as my friend before. And if anyone of you is reading it, I'm sure you'll guess it wrong. I fell into the argument because they wanted to make last minute changes and I was against it because it involved another human being even though I'm not very fond of that person. All I wanted to do was do no more changes to it. The classmate wanted to change - expected, but my former-thought-to-be-a-friend did, I was surprised.

What is wrong with people? Why are they so self-centered to see nothing beyond themselves? I'm not that great a person who does good deeds and all, but I would never do something like that. And when you vouch for something other than yourself, all that happens is that you get screwed. And now, the whole class is against me. Apparently, they heard a more manipulated version of it. Expect for the "I won't make any last minute changes part" they thought it was the "I'm not gonna let you take out the I'm-not-fond-of-human-being".

And now, all of sudden I have no one to share what I feel. It's just me and this keyboard which can only give words and not expression. Just this page in front of me which can provide me enough space to vent out all my feelings, but not a word in return to comfort me.

Now, I don't know if what I did was right. They say that people around you are the way you are to them. So does that mean I'm as selfish as they are? Does that mean I'm that narrow-minded as they are? I don't know anymore.

-Shreeji

Lost in Thoughts

I log in my facebook account. No notifications.
I check for mail. None.
I open my twitter account to tweet. Nothing strikes my head.
I check my blog stats. No change.
I open another tab to study about 'Smart Materials' but I simply cannot concentrate in them.
Something is missing in my life. But what is it?

What am I doing with my life?
Where am I headed?
Why am I wasting so much time?
Why am I becoming an Insomniac?
What is it that I want and what is it that I got?
Why am I even asking so many questions?

I seem to be jobless.
I seem to be useless.
I seem to lack talent.
I seem to be nothing.

I have nothing to look forward to.
I have nothing to relish.

I don't make use of what I've got.
I don't make sure I get what I want.

In this world, I just wander.
Wander with no thoughts, no ideas, no innovations
But with a mind that is empty and a heart that is dark.

There is a never ending path with
No trees and No shade
No breeze and No lake
No pain and No gain

It's just me and my empty self.
Relating my life to that song which I found depressing.

Going through facebook profiles of long lost friends
Wishing life can be rewound
Wishing I didn't do what I did
Wishing things went differently.

In this life, I seem to be able to only wish
And wish and just wish.

Everything seems impossible.
Everything seems unattainable.

-Shreeji

I miss you.

I miss you.
I miss you a lot.

I miss the chat during lectures.
I miss solving C structures.
I miss the geek talks we had.
I miss the intimate stuff we shared.

Never thought it would end this way,
Never thought it would go astray.
Never thought I would miss you so much.
Never though I would need you this much.

What I wanted was more than friendship.
What you had wanted was the same-
But somehow you didn't believe i it anymore;
Or was it something even more?

You got your promise,
To always stay in touch.
I forgot to get yours,
And now I miss you much.

-Shreeji

Is it really that Important?

beauty n. - The quality that gives pleasure to the mind or senses and is associated with such properties as harmony of form or color, excellence of artistry, truthfulness, and originality.

Almost everyone forget the part of it which is to be truthful and original. Everyone is so stuck up on how they look externally that they forget the inner beauty which is the most important part! I don't understand why people give so much importance to how others look let alone themselves. These are the continuous comments I get from people.

My classmates: Why don't you let your hair free? It looks good on you.
My mind : I can't concentrate my classes if I let it free. I'm not gonna waste my time adjusting it every nanosecond!

My sister: What kind of sister are you? You don't use nail polish, and you call yourself a girl! And what is this plaiting your hair? You call yourself a college student?

My mind : I don't give a shit to my nails, so just stop bossing me!

My Aunt: Why don't you wear a pony than a plait? Plaits don't go with jeans
My mind : Why is everyone bothered about my hair?

My Grandma: Don't you get bored of your earrings? Why don't you change them everyday so that they match your clothes? I saw the students outside your college, you don't look like you belong there.
My mind : -_-

My Dad: Look at your face, How much pimples you have got. Why don't you take care of yourself?

My mind. Grrrr...

Why does everyone want me to look good when I don't give a damn? Is it really that important to be attractive? What happened to 'Smile is the best ornament a girl could wear'? When 'All that glitters is not gold', why does everyone want to be glittery and want their loved ones to be glittery as well?  

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So what may look beautiful to me, may not be appealing to you. I'm absolutely fine the way I am. So, 

If you're gonna say that I'm not gonna get any guy If I don't follow those standards, SO WHAT? In fact I don't want a guy who goes by the looks. I'm not gonna have friends to whom looks matters. If you're gonna say that there is no one in this damn world to whom looks don't matter other than me, then fine I don't mind being a loner.

I read this comic strip of Tiger a few years back which goes like this: (unfortunately I couldn't find the strip itself)


Bonnie: (Looking at the beauty products in Suzy's bag) This gives you beauty that is only skin deep.
Suzy: That is good enough for me.. cause that's the part that shows.


But remember this,

A woman whose smile is open and whose expression is glad has a kind of beauty no matter what she wears. 

-Shreeji


P.S. This is my last post as a kid :P