I don't express myself because I'm scared of what people might think. Yes, of what people around me think. I know I have always portrayed myself as someone who doesn't care of what others think. I show myself as some kind of a rebel questioning the common ideologies of the society. Trying to do something radical every now and then so that people will take me seriously. So that they will look at me as someone who is courageous. And trust me, the radical stuff sometimes come on their own and I realise that they are different only hen someone point it out. I do all this because I want to be like that. I want to be brave. I don't want the judgement of others to cloud my decisions. I don't if showing myself like that, in any way, makes me that, but I do it none the less. Deep inside, I do consider what others think and by others I mean those I consider my family and friends. I do care what they think about me. I do want to be judged well in everyone's eyes'. Under every different points of views. Because I know I am nothing without the people around me. And above all, because I care.
This is exactly why you cannot find me explicitly expressing myself because I'm scared. I'm scared that they ll think of me as a person with negative views. I'm scared that they will talk behind my back and eventually leave me for the juvenile passing thoughts in my mind which are not completely mine because thoughts that go through your heads are not always yours. They are the sum of what you observe around you and your perception on it. I'm scared that people will judge me solely on what I think and not the circumstances that has made me think that way.
I've seen it happen to so many others. I have seen people talk behind a person's back because his/her views did not match with the others around that person. I've seen people being hurt , to have been judged by who they are and not considering why they are. When I pointed things which others did not notice, when I asked them to think about that person, I was considered absurd and foolish.
May be that is one reason, why I like the Shiv Trilogy by Amish more than any other version because it also tells Dakshya's and Bhrigu's circumstances which made them who they are. May be that's why I like The Kite Runner over many other books because it was the story of someone who did not quite share the same views as that of a Moral Science text book. May be that is why I'm drawn towards stories of Asuras and the villains of the epics and myths because I know that no one can be outright bad. They can only be different.
And may be that is exactly why I started this blog with a pseudonym and do not share with everyone. So that I can express and be judged at the same time and not care about the consequences. So that I can have the privilege of putting in words what goes on in my head and heart without changing anything around me. For expression is a need of which a person cannot be denied by oneself or by others.
