The fall

You have tainted my hands with your touch. I wish I never let you hold them like that when I was low. I vaguely remember trying to take my hands back but I vividly remember you holding it stronger. And I hate to say, but I liked it. Hell, I loved it. I was falling for you. Deeper. I thought I was falling with you. I always wanted to experience free fall. The adrenaline rush. The feeling of not having to control the fall and still enjoying it. Not having to control everything all the time. Like my life. I didn't think of the after effects. I didn't think there would be a ground at the bottom of it all. I thought I would keep falling, deeper and deeper. I was getting addicted to that feeling. I am addicted to that feeling. I don't know if I miss falling thinking I was falling with you or the feeling of just falling. I am too scared to fall again. What if there is a ground at the bottom of the fall? What if there is ground lower than the one last time? It would hurt much more. What if I once again find that the person I was falling with is missing when I try to get up. And worse, what if I find no one at all?

I see you have fallen again. I wish it was me falling with you this time as well. But it's alright. I am getting used to it. I hope you never find a ground this time. Finding a ground is nice. Gives you a firm foothold. Lets you control outcome. But not when you have already chosen the fall. I wish I hadn't chosen to fall. But I am happy it happened too. Yes, the wounds hurt. My hands got the worst of it. There are wounds all over. I don't know if I will be able to feel another person holding my hands anymore. But I hope I will. I hope I will find someone to hold them and never let go of them. And perhaps then, my wounds would have healed. And perhaps then, the scars will remind me not of the ground but of the fall.

-Shreeji