"But how can I be sure?" he asked looking out through the window. "Do you not trust me?" she asked him with a longing in her voice. 'Trust', the word echoed in her mind, She could still hear his voice saying, 'Trust is what you need in a relationship' and yet here she was having yet another quarrel with the man she thought she loved.
Silence filled the space between them and all she could hear was the rain outside which came cruel and hard, flooding the streets. She couldn't find anything beautiful in it anymore. The silence was suffocating her. She wanted to leave the place but she couldn't; not with the rain outside. She was tired of all the fighting. She didn't have it in her to fight the rain as well.
It had been three years since the last time she saw him. He was at the mandapam with a wide smile, trying his best to control the veshti he had worn. She had never seen him happier before. Not when his girlfriend accepted his proposal , not when he got the job he wanted and graduated with the rest of us, not when he got admission in the university he dreamed of and not when his girlfriend's parents accepted their union. He was eagerly looking at the stairs trying to hide his excitement so that his friends wouldn't make fun of him. He had absolutely no interest or involvement in the mantras he was repeating after the iyer. And when the iyer said "Ponna azhaichutu vango" his face lit brighter than the sun. He looked at the stairs, saw her and immediately turned towards the fire so that no one would notice his eagerness. But she did. When everyone else was looking at the bride, she saw him She knew the how much he loves her. She knew. If only she didn't, she would have told, but it was too late for all that now. That was the last time she met him. A hug, a will-miss-you and a keep in touch is all that she got. But she knew that as well. She knew there would come a day when both would be too busy to have time for each other. Yet she wasn't ready when that day came. She would never be.
"You need nothing but trust in a relationship" he had told her while she was aimlessly gazing at the rain. It had been a beautiful evening and the weather was just perfect. They had an exam the next day and they were supposed to be studying, but not that day. She just wanted to sit there and take every second of the moment and listen to all that he had to share. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and was sharing his 'expertise' on the subject. She didn't need to know anything about relationships for she knew that everything would be alright for as long as he was around. She trusted him enough.
He was encouraging her to ask a guy out. If only he knew that she wanted to ask him out and not that junior with the charming smile. 'You don't need anything else.... It's just trust'. She wanted to tell him at that moment how much he meant to her but words failed her. She couldn't muster the courage, not a word, not a sound, not even a nod of confirmation. All she could do was listen and listen, she did, for the rest of her life.
Life after college was easier than she had imagined for the distance increased and the listening reduced. They didn't drift apart like all their other friends. A phone call once a month or if she was lucky, another call the same month. They made sure they took time for each other. She would listen to all his stories. He had promised to be there for her and he kept that promise. She always had his shoulders to cry on. She wondered if it would have been easier if he had broken his promise. It was all good until he told her he was in love again. And that this time, it was for real.
Silence filled the space between them and all she could hear was the rain outside which came cruel and hard, flooding the streets. She couldn't find anything beautiful in it anymore. The silence was suffocating her. She wanted to leave the place but she couldn't; not with the rain outside. She was tired of all the fighting. She didn't have it in her to fight the rain as well.
It had been three years since the last time she saw him. He was at the mandapam with a wide smile, trying his best to control the veshti he had worn. She had never seen him happier before. Not when his girlfriend accepted his proposal , not when he got the job he wanted and graduated with the rest of us, not when he got admission in the university he dreamed of and not when his girlfriend's parents accepted their union. He was eagerly looking at the stairs trying to hide his excitement so that his friends wouldn't make fun of him. He had absolutely no interest or involvement in the mantras he was repeating after the iyer. And when the iyer said "Ponna azhaichutu vango" his face lit brighter than the sun. He looked at the stairs, saw her and immediately turned towards the fire so that no one would notice his eagerness. But she did. When everyone else was looking at the bride, she saw him She knew the how much he loves her. She knew. If only she didn't, she would have told, but it was too late for all that now. That was the last time she met him. A hug, a will-miss-you and a keep in touch is all that she got. But she knew that as well. She knew there would come a day when both would be too busy to have time for each other. Yet she wasn't ready when that day came. She would never be.
"You need nothing but trust in a relationship" he had told her while she was aimlessly gazing at the rain. It had been a beautiful evening and the weather was just perfect. They had an exam the next day and they were supposed to be studying, but not that day. She just wanted to sit there and take every second of the moment and listen to all that he had to share. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and was sharing his 'expertise' on the subject. She didn't need to know anything about relationships for she knew that everything would be alright for as long as he was around. She trusted him enough.
He was encouraging her to ask a guy out. If only he knew that she wanted to ask him out and not that junior with the charming smile. 'You don't need anything else.... It's just trust'. She wanted to tell him at that moment how much he meant to her but words failed her. She couldn't muster the courage, not a word, not a sound, not even a nod of confirmation. All she could do was listen and listen, she did, for the rest of her life.
Life after college was easier than she had imagined for the distance increased and the listening reduced. They didn't drift apart like all their other friends. A phone call once a month or if she was lucky, another call the same month. They made sure they took time for each other. She would listen to all his stories. He had promised to be there for her and he kept that promise. She always had his shoulders to cry on. She wondered if it would have been easier if he had broken his promise. It was all good until he told her he was in love again. And that this time, it was for real.
She told him how happy she was for him and all the things any friend would say. She tried to mean everything she said and in vain. He was too happy to notice that she didn't mean it. She couldn't recollect what happened after that. All that she could remember was work was becoming difficult, pressure from her family was mounting, all her girlfriends had married, some even had kids and before she could even think about marriage, there she was, draped in silk saree, adorned with all the jewels her parents could afford, and a getti melam to make it official.
"You got hitched before I did and I am the guy in love!", he said at her wedding. "Well, at least you found a nice guy and I am sure you both will hit it off well together.", said his girlfriend mocking at him.
She was thinking how different things would have been if she had told him. Would it have been better or worse? Was worse better than not having said at all? She wondered all the possibilities. And wonder, was all she could.
-Shreeji
-Shreeji
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