Unsaid words and broken promises

"But how can I be sure?" he asked looking out through the window. "Do you not trust me?" she asked him with a longing in her voice. 'Trust', the word echoed in her mind, She could still hear his voice saying, 'Trust is what you need in a relationship' and yet here she was having yet another quarrel with the man she thought she loved.

Silence filled the space between them and all she could hear was the rain outside which came cruel and hard, flooding the streets. She couldn't find anything beautiful in it anymore. The silence was suffocating her. She wanted to leave the place but she couldn't; not with the rain outside. She was tired of all the fighting. She didn't have it in her to fight the rain as well.

It had been three years since the last time she saw him. He was at the mandapam with a wide smile, trying his best to control the veshti he had worn. She had never seen him happier before. Not when his girlfriend accepted his proposal , not when he got the job he wanted and graduated with the rest of us, not when he got admission in the university he dreamed of and not when his girlfriend's parents accepted their union. He was eagerly looking at the stairs trying to hide his excitement so that his friends wouldn't make fun of him. He had absolutely no interest or involvement in the mantras he was repeating after the iyer. And when the iyer said "Ponna azhaichutu vango" his face lit brighter than the sun. He looked at the stairs, saw her and immediately turned towards the fire so that no one would notice his eagerness. But she did. When everyone else was looking at the bride, she saw him She knew the how much he loves her. She knew. If only she didn't, she would have told, but it was too late for all that now. That was the last time she met him. A hug, a will-miss-you and a keep in touch is all that she got. But she knew that as well. She knew there would come a day when both would  be too busy to have time for each other. Yet she wasn't ready when that day came. She would never be.

"You need nothing but trust in a relationship" he had told her while she was aimlessly gazing at the rain. It had been a beautiful evening and the weather was just perfect. They had an exam the next day and they were supposed to be studying, but not that day. She just wanted to sit there and take every second of the moment and listen to all that he had to share. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and was sharing his 'expertise' on the subject. She didn't need to know anything about relationships for she knew that everything would be alright for as long as he was around. She trusted him enough.

He was encouraging her to ask a guy out. If only he knew that she wanted to ask him out and not that junior with the charming smile. 'You don't need anything else.... It's just trust'. She wanted to tell him at that moment how much he meant to her but words failed her. She couldn't muster the courage, not a word, not a sound, not even a nod of confirmation. All she could do was listen and listen, she did, for the rest of her life.

Life after college was easier than she had imagined for the distance increased and the listening reduced. They didn't drift apart like all their other friends. A phone call once a month or if she was lucky, another call the same month. They made sure they took time for each other. She would listen to all his stories. He had promised to be there for her and he kept that promise. She always had his shoulders to cry on. She wondered if it would have been easier if he had broken his promise. It was all good until he told her he was in love again. And that this time, it was for real.

She told him how happy she was for him and all the things any friend would say. She tried to mean everything she said and in vain. He was too happy to notice that she didn't mean it. She couldn't recollect what happened after that. All that she could remember was work was becoming difficult, pressure from her family was mounting, all her girlfriends had married, some even had kids and before she could even think about marriage, there she was, draped in silk saree, adorned with all the jewels her parents could afford, and a getti melam to make it official.

"You got hitched before I did and I am the guy in love!", he said at her wedding. "Well, at least you found a nice guy and I am sure you both will hit it off well together.", said his girlfriend mocking at him.

She was thinking how different things would have been if she had told him. Would it have been better or worse? Was worse better than not having said at all? She wondered all the possibilities. And wonder, was all she could.

-Shreeji

That evening

She was draping that 6m something long cloth around her all the while cursing the person who thought it would be nice if all the girls wore saree for the function. That was when she remembered, "You look pretty in a saree" he had said looking at that picture on her phone. She was too dumb-founded that night to say anything at all.

She was annoyed that night. Was it because she did not find company among the 10 friends she had gone on the trip or was it because everyone was in a relationship and she wasn't? She couldn't exactly remember. That time had been the toughest for her. It was the time when all around her girls were hanging out with their 'boyfriends'. She never wanted a boyfriend; she considered it a distraction but it was tough for her. Tough to keep her head on the goal, tough to stay single, tough to keep up with everyone.

       It was late that night but she wasn't sleepy. She had wanted to have her share of fun. She wanted night well spent. She didn't want to go back to her room. She was accommodated in a simple and a clean room with enough ventilation but she felt like the four walls were closing in on her. She felt that they were inching towards her slowly so that she wouldn't notice, but she did notice. She had the freedom to take a walk in the middle of the night and so she did. A mild breeze blew her hair. That was an assurance that everything is going to be alright.

When she reached the end of the road, she saw him sitting on a parapet wall with his netbook. She was too relieved to notice that he was probably concentrating on whatever he did or that she had not bothered to ask if she was disturbing. She was just plain glad to have company. Without a second thought she started talking. Complaining about everything she had to complain about starting from that evening to common friends of theirs. So close that no one would dare speak about all that in their first conversation but she did. She felt something of an untold faith in him something that told her it was okay to tell him things she didn't say anyone else. She didn't stop unless he had something to say.

He retaliated the faith that she had in him. He spoke about his past, his present, his experiences and everything he could think about. She was happy he had told her all this. It meant a lot to her. It also meant that she wasn't boring him or that is what she liked to think. He also told that girls should have an aim, should make something for themselves in their life. She had almost blushed. It had been a long time since anyone told her that. She had almost forgotten her dream. She had almost given up fighting and it felt good to hear that. It was that extra boost she had searched for, for months now. She felt different then. She had found one person who would support and that was all she needed.

They went for a walk around the campus. They spoke about the places near by, on the full form of places and stuff. He knew so much and she, so little. She felt a little embarrassed and changed the subject.

Even before she realised, the place around her was getting bright. She hadn't noticed the sun rise. She wanted to remember how he looked for she didn't know when they will get to meet next, if at all there is a chance. But they were walking too close. She noticed his eyes. They were brown, a slightly lighter brown. She had told herself that, that was all she needed but she was wrong.

That night had long gone now and it was nothing but a memory. She wished she had noticed more. She wished that life were a movie, for every move is recorded for a lifetime.  All that she remembered were his eyes and fragments of the night that was.

She was hoping to meet him once again but she kept telling herself that it was a one-time-thing only. She started wondering what he had thought about that night and how things will go if they meet again.

-Shreeji

Just A Dream

     I was walking in the corridor, twisting my scooter key in my hand. I saw him at a distance, he looked surprised. He turned his back immediately. I didn’t bother. I went to get my scooter which was right beside him.  I take my scooter and turn only to see him seeing me with a greeting smile. He said “Hey! Long time no see.” I was surprised, for all along, he had all but ignored me. I didn’t know what to say. He asked the usual how are you-hows college. I answered not knowing what to talk. He offered me to accompany me till the gate. I was just excited, something I have always wanted. I didn’t bother to think why or how, I just right on said “Sure”.

     I took out my two wheeler and pushed it. He walked beside me, talking. We talked and talked. Sense and nonsense but it didn't matter. The usually heavy vehicle seemed a lot lighter. The corridor didn't seem to have an end. I didn't bother to know where I was going. I just listened to him, spoke to him, told him everything I wanted to tell him for a very long time.

     Suddenly there was a lot of commotion. There were people running everywhere. Someone came and told us that our sisters where stuck somewhere and that we had to go find them. We rush in the direction opposite to where people were running to. He held my hand in his and started running. It came out as a surprise but I didn't say anything. I followed him to a place which looked the lounge of a hotel. He went to the receptionist and asked something. She pointed her hand to a direction and I was about to run towards that place. But he pulled my hand, put his arms around me, and caressed me. My eyes were closed but I could see him better. When I opened my eyes, I could only see the blue bed sheet which didn't cover my feet. It had just been a dream all along. If only it was true...

-Shreeji